March 20, 2017: Overdue journal entry, and the first day of Spring

Today, is the first day of Spring, and I welcome it with open arms.  I am beyond ready for the sunshine, fresh start, and new beginnings.

It’s been awhile since I have done a journal entry, about two weeks to be exact. A lot has been happening and going on in my life.

The week before last was a rough week for me, mentally. I was in a really bad place, and needed to seek out help. Battling with depression can really feel like an uphill battle. I want to get into this in an entirely different post, and I will. I had a huge mental breakdown on Saturday, March 9th. It was the worst mental breakdown I have had since my dad passed away. Yes, it was that bad. I literally laid in bed all day. I slept for most of the day, and cried for the other part of the day. I felt like giving up… after that day, I decided that I never, ever wanted to feel that way ever again. There are a few factors that contributed to Saturday. I don’t know how comfortable I feel about going into detail about them online. But that whole week I felt unmotivated, completely down most of the week, and just felt… gone.

I decided to seek out help. I contacted my old counseling place, and they just suggested therapy, which I really don’t have time for. I know this sounds horrible, but they are only open on the days I am working. I can’t afford to take any time off. They were really no help. I contacted my primary care doctor, and she did some blood work on me

As it just so happens, I am incredibly vitamin D deficient I found this out last Friday. She wants me to be on vitamin D3 supplements for three months and then come back. If I am still suffering from depression, she will refer me to a psychologist, or put me on medication. However, she informed me that she wanted medication to be a last resort, which I completely agree with.

Taking medication really freaks me out because of the side effects. Again, I will get more in-depth with this on a separate post on mental health.

I started taking vitamin D3 supplements on Friday, and honestly, I am already feeling quite a difference in how I am feeling. I feel a lot more present, and a lot less sad. I am hopeful that this will at least alleviate some of what I am experiencing. I want to deal with this in the most natural way possible. I started exercising regularly, which has helped my mood a lot.

Right now, I feel a little lost, and hoping to find a direction on where I want to go in life. I feel like I don’t have it together as much as I should, considering I have two children!

Juan started tearing apart the apartment, which is really annoying. I can’t stand his method of reorganizing. Instead of tackling one area at a time, he attempts to do the entire thing at once, randomly pulling shit out of the cupboards and cabinets leaving them out until he ‘gets to them’. I am attempting to help him when I am not working, but it’s hard to balance everything out. We are on separate schedules as well. He takes my daughter to school and drops her off. He takes care of our son during the day, and works at night. This is taking it’s toll on him, and as a result, taking a toll on us. We aren’t really on the same page. I am hoping we can get there.

The kids are doing well, I am trying to balance everything and still manage to make time for them. Quality time, thankfully I have made a schedule this last week and have been sticking to it pretty stringently which has helped me tremendously with my time management. However, my husband tearing our apartment apart has hindered that schedule a bit. We want to live a more minimalist lifestyle which I am all for doing. Again, I just absolutely LOATHE his organizing tactics… ahhh well. Hopefully this will be done by the end of the week.

Right now, I am going to sit down and write out some goals. I want to come up with an idea of where I want to be five years from now, and what I need to do to get to where I want and need to be. That is a short run down of what has been going on with me recently, nothing too exciting. I am going to visit a childcare facility on my way home from work, fingers crossed that we will be able to utilize it for Juanito and get back on the same schedule.

Until next time!

March 6, 2017: Living with mental illness

This is difficult for me to write about, because I am a very closed off person, but I feel like maybe I will feel better today if I do.  I also believe that while I am on a journey to better myself, and learn more about who  I am, and how to improve myself, I have to be totally honest.  I am struggling today. I am not having the best day.  I am feeling pretty low, sluggish, and completely unmotivated to do anything.  All  I want to do is sleep, but I can’t, because I have to be at work.

I am caught up at work, and so I decided that I would make a to-do list and try and get some writing done.  I have so many ideas, and so much I want to write about.  The problem is pushing myself when I have no energy to get these things accomplished.  I have depression, anxiety, and PTSD.  I am not currently actively getting any counseling and I am not on any medication for this.   It’s an ongoing battle that I am having in my mind with myself.

Sometimes, I just want to slap myself and say:  “Kelly!  Get it together!  You are normally  such an active person, you have so many wonderful ideas and projects you want to do, why can’t you just do them?  Why do you start so many things and not finish them?  Damn it woman, what is holding you back?”  The truth is, I never fully understood what was holding me back, until recently I discovered something about myself that I always feared.

I have always understood my own problems, my depression and my anxiety.  I have always sort of just coped with them, I tried anti depressants, but went off of them.  I seem to really suck at this thing in my life called consistency.

Let me back this up a little with some history, my mom has bipolar disorder, and was diagnosed at twenty seven years old.  I never really understood what bipolar disorder was, I assumed it meant that you just rapidly cycled from happy, to pissed off, to crying all at once.  I had no idea that there were different types of bipolar disorder, and along with those different types, came very different symptoms.

About a week ago I had a shocking revelation.  I have racing thoughts constantly.  My mind feels like it’s running at about a million miles per minute and never slows down.  Knowing this about myself, I start to go online and do research. At first, I assumed that this trait was just a part of my personality, and it very well might be just that, however my curiosity got the best of me and I decided to take an online quiz at psychcentral.com.  I took two different quizzes, for bipolar disorder.  Now, I realize, that taking an online quiz isn’t exactly a formal diagnosis, but a lot of the questions I was answering, were describing me and my behavior.  Which could definitely explain why I have bursts of energy and creativity, also feel very happy and elated for about a week or more at a time, but then will feel equally depressed the following week.  I am unsure if I have bipolar disorder, but I am going to be going to see a doctor to be formally evaluated and seek help.

I have always been able to hold down a job, the problem is how I feel.  I always assumed when I felt depressed it was just my depression kicking in.  I thought that my depression was just a part of my life that would always come and go.  Without my depression, I am usually upbeat, and positive.

I am afraid of what the doctor will say, and I am afraid to be diagnosed, if I am being completely honest.  I feel like I already have a lot going on mentally that I am learning to cope with… but at the same time I know I shouldn’t be afraid because I know that if I do have bipolar disorder, I need to seek help.  I don’t lash out at family or friends, but I have a real problem with constant racing thoughts, very high moments, and very low moments.  I honestly don’t know how I will want to proceed.  A part of me doesn’t want to take medication, because I am afraid of the side effects, but another part of me wants to give it a shot in hopes that I could live a more productive life.  I am so lost.  But I think the first step is to see a professional to figure out what is really going on, before making any assumptions.

Today I felt was a really low day.  If I am being honest about it… I have felt pretty numb and not really present.  I felt… like I just sat there and wasted most of the day today.  I hate wasting time, wasting time makes me feel really shitty.  I have notebooks that have so many ideas written out for YouTube videos I want to make, and things I want to research and write about.  I also started writing a book, which is pretty exciting.  But, instead of working on any of those things, I really didn’t use my time wisely.  I can’t beat myself up over this, because tomorrow is a new day, and I will hopefully have the opportunity to use my time more valuable tomorrow.  We are never promised tomorrow.  I have to remember that.

For once, I just want to be productive.  I want to put my thoughts into action.  I want to finish something that I start, and do the things I love doing.  I have so many ideas.  So many things I want to do.  It seems my interest starts out passionate, but then completely dies down to no interest at all… and apathy.  Which is why I feel really good about being more inconsistent with my posts on here.  I hope to keep this up.  It’s hard getting so personal, but in a way it’s therapeutic for me.  I hope that maybe in me being honest, I can learn more about myself, and can maybe help others as well.

The only thing that leveled me out and brought me back into feeling okay again was coming home from work, and seeing my kids.

My husband and I kind of… got into it.  I don’t know.  There wasn’t an argument but I feel something there.  I feel like something is wrong.  I don’t know what it is, and I don’t want to make any assumptions, but something feels off.  And that is really bothering me.  However, I have been reminding myself that whatever it is, I can and should only worry about what I can control, not the things that I cannot.  I can’t control his feelings toward me, I can only be myself and make good choices.  I tried talking to him about whatever it is, but he doesn’t want to talk about it.  I can’t force him to talk if he doesn’t want to… I just have to let it go.  Which is hard.  I don’t make myself vulnerable to people because of the ‘history’ that I have had with my family.  I don’t come from a very stable background, and because of this it has led me to lead a lonely sort of closed off existence.  I don’t have much of a support structure other than close friends.  Which, I am incredibly happy and thankful for.  It just makes it hard when I do finally open myself up and make myself vulnerable (to my husband), I feel as though maybe I shouldn’t.  That maybe it’s impossible to count on anyone.  Which is a really sad way to live your life.  I think that as decent human beings we should be able to support and care for each other.  Whether it’s in an intimate relationship, friendship, or even acquaintance.   I guess I just always wanted to have a stable home, a normal, boring, happy family that I never had, I wanted to give to my children.  I do my best to raise them in a healthy, loving environment.

Anyway, onto my children.  I did a lot of cleaning up, so didn’t get to spend as much quality time with them as I wanted, but I did get to do journal entries with them.  I really hope that they can look back at their journals one day with fond and happy memories.  If there is one thing in this lifetime that I want to do right, it’s being a mother.  I am not perfect, but I always, always want my children to know that they are loved.  They mean the world to me… and if it weren’t for them, I don’t think I would have the will to make it most days.  🙂  I live for them.  I could have the worst day in the world, and they easily turn it around for me.  I don’t want them to ever feel abandoned by me, or that I don’t support them.  I want them to have that strong support structure at home that I lacked.

My friends, and my children.  Today, even though it wasn’t one of my best days, I can still say that I am incredibly thankful for my wonderful friends, and my two children.  I can end today on a positive note because of that… and because I am alive.  I have a lot to appreciate.  Life can be difficult at times, but it is still wonderful.  Good night.

February 27, 2017: Enjoy the journey.

A lot has happened in the last few days.  I have been meaning to journal, but have been incredibly busy.  I went to Michael’s and got plaster of paris to make some molded handprints for the kids as keepsakes.  I also go paints for them to paint the finished product.  They really enjoyed this project, and it was a ton of fun to do with them.  I had them mold their hand prints, but they couldn’t do the painting until the following day.

The next day we went to Ross to get some décor to brighten up the apartment (thanks Holly!).  My best friend suggested I go there.  It was the best decision I have made in a long time.  I have come to realize that I am very affected by my surroundings.  When I feel at peace and harmony with my surroundings, my entire mood changes for the better.  I feel much more relaxed and serene.  I was completely unsure of what I was looking for when I went into the store, I had no idea what I was looking for, but I was very drawn to more floral, bright, and nature related pieces of art, which were all scattered around the store and not very easy to find.  It all tied together to a bright nature-esque  theme.  One thing that I have come to realize about myself is how much I love and adore nature.  When I go on a hike in the forest, when I go to the ocean, or look at a sunset/sunrise, I feel connected.  I feel connected to the earth in a very spiritual way, it almost feels magical.  Yes, I know I sound incredibly cheesy right now, but it’s the truth.  Bringing a little big of nature into my home, just pictures of bright flowers, a colorful stag, and a colorful photo of scenic mountain range overlooking a body of water on a sunny day, has really uplifted my mood.  I needed to have more of nature around me in my home to feel more at peace.  I can’t wait to add more art to my apartment, and make it feel like a home.

For the longest time, I have always longed and wanted for more… so much so that I wasn’t able to appreciate what I had in front of me this whole time.  I didn’t put that much effort into my home because while I always wanted it to be tidy, I never really decorated it the way I wanted.  Why?  I don’t really know, but I can theorize that it may be because I thought I would just pick up and move.  I have moved quite a bit, each year when the rent would increase, we would find a different apartment.  I think I had always planned on buying a house, so much so that I didn’t make my apartment into my actual home.  I see how wrong I was, and how that was effecting my mood in a negative way.  I am looking forward to adding more to our home, and making our apartment just that, our home.

I am learning that happiness isn’t a destination, it’s about living in the moment, and appreciating that moment for whatever it is.  If it’s you working, spending time with the people you love, laughing so hard you are about to cry, or just being sad…. I am learning to appreciate each moment in my life for what it is.  I am learning to give up constantly chasing, wanting, desiring.  It’s not a bad thing to want more, but if it clouds you from appreciating what you have, it can be unhealthy.  I have always been an overachiever.  I have always been the person who wants to win, do the best, get an A, etc.  I was always chasing an achievement.  Achievements brought me happiness, fulfillment.  If I wasn’t achieving anything, my life felt meaningless and empty.  Now I have come to realize that life really is more about the journey and less about the destination.  After all, our final destination is all the same, death.  Life is our journey, so it’s important to take time to slow down and enjoy it.  I am learning to follow my dreams and goals without getting so caught up in the end result.

Sunday I woke up and found that I started to loose my pregnancy.  I am sad, I cried.  This is something I have gone through before.  I don’t want to go into too much detail about that.  I went to work Monday, and honestly I shouldn’t have gone.  I felt that I had to go because I had just taken a week off, and didn’t want to get further behind on my work.  I also didn’t want to get into any trouble.  My day went pretty well, it was busy.  A problem I have been having at my job is that because I am a younger employee, I am not taken very seriously, and a few of my other co workers think that I am some kind of noob.  I was in the army for eight years… and worked for the department of defense as a civilian for seven of those years.  I am not new to office politics.  I try not to let it bother me, but I finally had to stand up for myself.  I am glad I did, and I can tell they were shocked that I did.  I think they expected me to just allow them to run all over me.  They clearly don’t know me very well. 😀

I think sometimes people get caught up power trips that they forget that they are human.  I have always had this… thing with authority.  Just because someone is an ‘authority figure’ doesn’t make them any better, or smarter than I am.  I think this bothers some people who are in certain positions.  Ahhh well.  I don’t care about a person’s title… they are just as human and imperfect as I am.  Titles are bullshit and don’t mean a lot to me.  They are man made words to make people feel more important than they really are.  Yes, there are people who have worked hard to earn their titles and I understand that, but it doesn’t mean they are worthy of more respect than anyone else.  Enough of that rant!

At work I have a co-worker who I have become pretty close with.  It’s interesting how after I started examining myself, I have started to notice certain traits in others that I didn’t really notice or pay attention to before.  I noticed that she has a tendency to care only about her own problems and not anyone else’s.  I listen to what she is going through and I empathize and try and offer solutions.  However, when I have something going on, the conversation always gets directed back to her problems.  She is a good person, just selfish in the sense that it’s all about her and her problems…. I will be there for her but keep her at a distance for now.  She is a victim of her own circumstances.  I am no longer that person, so I am trying my best to keep any negativity out of my life.  There is a reason why I have such a small circle of friends, and I prefer to keep it that way.

That’s all for this entry.  Until next time.

 

February 23,2017: Self Reflection

Part of going through this journey to enlightenment and self improvement is self reflection.  This is by far the hardest part about growth; examining yourself, not just the good things, but the bad things.  I am not proud of who I was… at all.  I am seeing myself for what I was, a negative person who was a victim of my own circumstances.  It’s hard being brutally honest with ourselves, but necessary.  I was a bad person to be around, I always had something going wrong in my life, mainly my marriage, or something dramatic was happening.  It wasn’t because of outside circumstances like I thought it was, it was actually because of me, the choices I was making, and the people I was associating myself with.  I am now seeing that many people today are in the same boat that I was in.  I was putting holes into my own ship, and wondering why it was sinking.  Yes, I do suffer from depression, anxiety, and PTSD.  But my mental illness wasn’t what was causing me to have the problems I was having.  The problems I was experiencing were my fault.

Here is the thing, we can’t control what happens to us in our lives, but we can control how we react.   This, right here, is all the power you need to take control of your life.  I am sharing my experience in hopes that I can help anyone else who is going through something similar.

Have problems in your marriage or relationship?  I guarantee that those problems can all be solved by how you react, or by how you choose to handle the situation.  Let me give you an example.  If you are unhappy in your relationship, and it is the same recurring problems, instead of constantly wallowing in your misery over what is happening, ask yourself what you can do to change it.  If you can’t change it, and it is something that the other person is doing (repeatedly), then it’s time to walk away from that relationship.  If you CHOOSE not to walk away, or choose not to change the circumstances that are within your control (walking away is one of them) you can’t expect the outcome to change.  You can’t expect to feel any better about the situation, if the outcome remains the same.  I know it’s hard to walk away from people that we love, but if someone is toxic, it’s time to stop making excuses and start taking action.  Chances are you are both toxic in your own way.

I am giving this as an example because I had problems in my marriage.  I felt unhappy in my marriage.  It’s a very long and personal story, but to keep it short, all of what was happening on my end was in my control.  Once I was able to take responsibility for what I was doing wrong, things started to get better.  One day I woke up and I realized, if I wasn’t that happy, I should just leave, or actually work on it.  Shit, or get off the pot.  I wasn’t going to sit there and do the same thing over and over and expect to feel happier, or for things to change.  Life doesn’t work that way.  You want results, you must take action.  Today I can honestly say that I am happily married, after seven years of marriage.  We both worked together to make things happen, and I couldn’t be happier that we did.  It wasn’t easy, but it has worked beautifully.  Let me just say that my marriage has survived A LOT.  Affairs included, on both of our behalves.  I won’t get into much detail because I am choosing to keep that part of my life private.  Those closest to me know details, but that is all who needs to know right now.

I was full of excuses before.  Tons of them.  I still am.  But I am working toward getting rid of them, because excuses are USELESS.  We all have excuses, we all have obstacles that hold us back.  Those excuses are what we create, and almost ANY obstacle can be overcome.  You can take control over your life, and your circumstances, you just have to stop making excuses, and examine YOURSELF and stop putting the blame onto everyone else.  I had to stop being reactive, and start being proactive.  I had to stop making excuses, and start coming up with solutions.

I had to examine myself.  I had to look deep within and see what I was doing wrong.  I was so incredibly negative.  I had become completely addicted to negative thought patterns, negative habits, negative situations, etc.  It was almost as if I were to let certain things go, I was going to have to find something better to do with my time and my life.  I say this because the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I liked the drama.  It makes me sick to think about, because I felt so miserable back then.  But I enjoyed feeling like crap.  I say this because I wasn’t actively doing anything to change the situation I was in, or how I was feeling.  In a way, if I let go of all of the negative baggage, what would I have to feel bad about?  My life would be boring!  I wouldn’t have anything to complain about, and I would have to stop feeling sorry for myself.

I feel bad for the people I love, my friends especially for having to deal with how completely melodramatic and negative I was.  How much I thrived on my own drama.  I was a bad friend.  I was selfish and self absorbed.  I was the protagonist to my own soap opera, only to realize the entire time I was the antagonist. To my friends, if you are reading this, and perhaps you will, I am truly sorry.  I am sorry for not being a better friend, and for always bringing negativity into our circle with problems that I could have easily solved.

Once I was able to identify that I was the source of my own misery, I was able to start to change it.  I asked myself why I was unhappy, and what it was that I needed to do to fix it.  So much of my unhappiness was because of MYSELF.  Not anyone else around me, but me!  After taking responsibility, things started to get better because I started to change.  Change starts inside of ourselves.  Change isn’t easy.  It’s incredibly difficult, painful, uncomfortable, but possible and completely worth it.  We have so much more power and control over our own lives than what we would like to admit, or notice.  It’s safe to say that I thoroughly ENJOY my happy, ‘boring’ life.

It’s not always butterflies, rainbows, and unicorns, but it’s progress.  Negativity exists in our world, no doubt about it.  It’s addictive.  The thought patterns, habits, news stories, hell, even the feelings.  However, negativity isn’t something I want in my life, and if I don’t want it there, it doesn’t have to be!  Remember, we have control over our lives.  Do not be a victim of your own circumstances.  I am not perfect, and never will be.  But I am improving, and will continue to try and live to my highest good. It’s a process, and a journey that I am happy to be on.  Happiness is a choice.

February 22, 2017: Friendship and Pregnancy Announcements!

Today was all about friends, and it was a wonderful day.  First, I went to visit my dear friend and her new adorable baby.  After that, the kids and I went to get burritos and ate them at the park.  My cousin came to meet us at the park, it was so nice to see her!  We talked while the kids played, then she came to my place for a while.  My husband came home, and then I went off to hang out with my close friends:  Holly, Tiffany, and Loretta.  It was a last minute gathering, I got a text the night before calling for a girls night.

The big news was that Tiffany is pregnant!  I am so incredibly happy for her.  I was also able to announce my pregnancy to my friends.  I am feeling nervous and excited at the same time.  We haven’t told the kids yet, because we want to wait until the end of the first trimester.  This is our last baby, so we decided not to find out the gender of the baby, we want it to be a surprise.  I honestly don’t care which gender the baby is, as long as the baby is healthy.  I do have a feeling that it is a boy.  I could be wrong though!  🙂  We will have to wait until the end of October to find out. I think that this is when I am due, I don’t know the first day of my last period so I am unsure of the exact due date.  Tiffany is due mid October.  I feel pretty good, not too much nausea, I just feel really sleepy a lot of the time.  I am really happy that Tiffany and I are both pregnant at the same time. Going through this together is awesome!  I mean, I get to be pregnant at the same time as my best friend!  🙂

Until tomorrow.

February 21, 2017: Finding Balance

Today has been a very, very relaxing and enlightening day.  I woke up, and read for a bit.  I actually did my very first Tarot reading on myself.  If you are reading this, and are bothered by my spiritual path, I am sorry, but not really.  This is my path and if it’s something you disagree with it’s okay, I respect individuals and their right to practice their spirituality or religious beliefs as they see fit, as long as they are not harming anyone, and aren’t trying to put their beliefs into law.  This is something I have never done before, or ever thought of doing, because of my upbringing, I was told that dabbling into tarot cards was demonic, same with reading your horoscope.  Which is why I am really hesitant to write about it because I don’t want to cause any controversy, or for people to view me as some type of evil person.  Clearly, I am not, but because I know that this can be misconstrued, I am hesitant to share it.  But since this is my journal, and I want to document my journey, I want to be honest about it.  If my honesty bothers anyone, or me just being me, oh well.  I am comfortable enough in who I am in my weirdness that I am willing to be open about it.  No, I do not practice the religion Wicca.  I am simply on a spiritual path to enlightenment, I don’t identify with any one religion.  I am reading and researching philosophy.  I am trying to be the best version of myself that I can be, and trying to spiritually connect.  I was an atheist, now, I am not sure what I believe.  I definitely believe that there is a consciousness that connects us all on some level, in the universe.  For now, I don’t feel the need to label myself as a member of any particular religion or belief system.  This may change over time, but for now, I am who I am, and where I am.

Anyway, I was shocked at how accurate the reading was.  I found that it gave a lot of insight as to what I am struggling with in life:  balance.  This is something I have been thinking about A LOT lately, before I did this reading.  My mind is often flooded with so many thoughts, ideas, and plans that I don’t know where to begin.  Whether it be with my goals, my housework, work, writing, what I want to do for the day, I feel bombarded and overwhelmed with so much going on in my mind that I find it really difficult to focus on one particular thing.  Which is why writing has been helping me a lot lately because it seems to be the only way that I can focus my thoughts, or at least attempt to focus on one thought at a time.  Today I was reminded that balance is something I need to strive for and work toward.  Hence, why I am up so late at night finishing this post instead of sleeping.  I would normally just keep putting this off until ‘tomorrow’ and it would never get done.  I have been putting this blog off until tomorrow, and haven’t posted on here in a year.  So I am done doing that.  I am going to try and set small goals for myself and follow a to-do list each day.  I know it won’t always work out, but I can at least have a few things that I mandate myself to do.  Speaking of which, I think I found my mantra:  “You’ve never lived this day before, and you never will again.  Make the most of it!”  This is going to be the phrase I return to each day when I am feeling down, depressed, or blah.  This is going to be how I live each day.  I am going to do my best to approach everyday with this attitude and see how it changes me.  We will see, I have a great feeling and am hoping for the best.  🙂

After this, I of course woke the kids up, made breakfast, the usual morning routine for when I am on vacation from work.  I must say this feel damn good.  I am really enjoying every moment that I am having off.  I really needed to distance myself from the people from my job, and my job for a while.  I desperately needed this break of solitude to gather myself and figure things out.  I kind of like my job, but in all honesty, it’s not what I want to be doing for the rest of my life.  I want do what it is that I love for a living.  I spend so much of my day commuting to and from work and working that it literally makes me want to vomit.  Honestly, I hate money.  I feel like money has no value, it is just something that we give value to ‘keep society running/functioning’.  Money is bullshit.  In my opinion there is enough resources in the world for everyone to have enough.  People shouldn’t be ‘working to make money’.  People should be working certain jobs because it is needed to benefit the community or society as a whole.  Unfortunately we don’t live in a perfect world, and of course not everyone has this mindset. I realize that this idea is flawed, but I am starting to free myself from the notion of money.  Money does not equal happiness.  Money does not equal life, money does not equal anything, the only reason why it means anything is because we deem it so!  I refuse to spend more time worrying about money than what I have to.  Money shouldn’t dictate a person’s right to live a happy, healthy productive life…. ahhh I could go on and on, but I won’t, this could be a completely separate post in and of itself.   My point is that I am happy to be spending this time home, alone (well, with my kids), to prioritize things.  If I could choose any job, it would be writing, because it’s what I love doing.  I could get lost and do it for hours on end.  I am hoping to start up my YouTube channel soon.  This is another goal of mine… something I keep saying I will do, but I don’t.

This is another issue that I am having:  putting my thoughts and ideas into action.  Now that I recognize that this is a problem, I can focus on it and do my best to overcome it, this is where my journaling daily and to-do lists will come in handy.  🙂

My dear friend Ashley stopped by for a visit today, and we talked.  She was pleasantly surprised that I had no drama to report.  This is another post for another day.  I’ll get to it, I promise!  I hate to admit it, but yes, I was that friend.  You know, that one who always has drama occurring in their lives either daily, or every other day, week, etc.  It’s embarrassing, but yes, that was me.  Many, many problems, that were all caused by yours truly.  Again, it’s something I will talk about later.  No I am not perfect and yes, it’s embarrassing looking back at myself, but hey, it’s called personal growth.  We learn from our mistakes and we move forward.

After she left is when the best part of the day happened.  The kids and I went for a nature walk!  Finally!  We were in desperate need of the fresh air.  It was so refreshing for all of us.  Now, here is where it gets funny.  We are walking along, and my son tells me that he needs to use the bathroom.  We quickly make our way to restroom, which is a good quarter of a mile away from the playground.  I opened the door, and holy crap.  This bathroom was disgusting.  I mean gag worthy.  There was pee on the seat, not a few droplets, but huge puddles on the seat.  I most certainly was not about to clean that up!  Sooooo I thought on my feet, and told Juanito to hold on that we were going to play a game.  I pulled down his pants and I lifted him into the hair and he was facing down toward the toilet.  It was like we were playing airplane, but I am hovering a 42 lb child over the toilet.  He grabbed the accessibility bar on the side to help me so that I wasn’t holding all of his weight.  Note that he is too short to stand and pee in the toilet.  At this point I say:  “Okay son, are you ready?”  He says:  “Ready mommy!”  I said “Okay honey, go ahead and start peeing.”  So, he does, and I am holding him up aiming his pee into the toilet.  At this point all I can do is crack up laughing, he and my daughter do the same.  I said aloud:  “Well, I have never done this before in my life.  I guess this is the first time I have ever played the potty game.”  We did it.  It was a success, we managed not to spill any pee out of the toilet.  Needless to say we left in a hurry and washed our hands very thoroughly after leaving that restroom!  This was definitely the highlight of my day today.

When we got home I made dinner, and we rested some more.  When my husband got home he ate dinner (the kids and I had already eaten), and we all got ready for bed.  Granted tonight I had to separate the kids because they kept getting out of bed and interrupting me while I was writing to tattle on each other.  Cute the first few times, annoying after multiple times.  Well, I am now off to bed, ready and excited to start another wonderful day tomorrow.

 

February 20, 2017

Why did I ever stop writing?  It’s a question that has been swarming my mind lately.  Writing is something that I have always loved for as long as I can remember, even as a child.  In elementary school I was writing seven page stories when the rest of the class was struggling to write a page or two, if I can recall, it was in third or fourth grade.  It’s something that I have always used as a tool to express myself, whether it be my thoughts, feelings, or my imagination.  I think I stopped shortly after my dad passed away.  For a while I still wrote, but after he died was when I stopped writing.

I was just telling my husband last night that I had a journal that I wrote in every single day, from age ten to age sixteen.  It was a hard cover black beauty journal given to me by my neighbor, Kathy.  In it I wrote about how I met my dad (he wasn’t my biological father, but my step father), I had written about my parents getting married, happy moments in my childhood, and moments when I was upset with my parents.  I lost six years of writing.

I have lost even more years of writing by stopping.  I honestly wish that I had written in a journal during my pregnancies, during my daughters precious first years, same with my son’s.  I’m sad because now, a lot of those memories are already fading from my mind.  At least I have pictures to look back on, however, I wish I had more than just pictures.  I wish I had documented things.  I guess it’s better late than never.  I am mad at myself for not doing this sooner, but, as I said, it’s better late than never.  I am starting to feel a lot better mentally, from writing, and am starting to look forward to doing it everyday.  🙂

Today was a relatively relaxing day.  I took this week off from work to spend with Gabriella for her midwinter break.  I am treasuring this time, in fact, I really don’t want to go back to work, I am not looking forward to it at all.  I never thought I would say this, but I do miss being a stay at home mom, as difficult as it is at times!  We had breakfast together this morning, and from there went to go see my best friend Holly’s new apartment.  After this we went to Barnes and Noble book store.  I got each of the kids a treat and we browsed the books, and toys.  I bought myself a Tarot deck with a guidebook as this is something I am interested in studying.

We came home and played a while before straightening the apartment and having dinner.  I laid down with Gabby and caressed her back and talked to her until she fell asleep.  We were having a conversation tonight about magic.  She told me that she wished magic was real in this world.  I told her that in a way, magic is real.  In my opinion, science is pretty magical, and so is life.  I explained that watching a flower bloom is magical.  Sunsets and sunrises are magical.  There is a ton of wonder and magic in our natural world.  She then went on to talk about how she wishes that when she dies she can become a ghost and float around and live forever.  I told her that I believe our energies just leave our bodies when we die and transfer elsewhere, but I just don’t know where.  It’s interesting having these talks with her.

I was raised Christian/Catholic, and really have no religious affiliation now.  I was taught about heaven and hell, and know all of the stories in the bible.  After finally having the courage to question my own thoughts and beliefs, and research, I came to the conclusion that Christianity just wasn’t for me.  I am a woman of science, and logic.  Organized religion isn’t something I teach my children.  I want them to learn that it’s okay to think for themselves and ask questions and to not be afraid of that.  Sometimes is hard and scary navigating parenting without religion because of how I was raised, but I am doing the best I can.  I am glad that my daughter is asking questions and thinking about things on her own without fear of going to hell.  It’s fascinating hearing what a young mind will come up with when it isn’t being tainted by outside influences.  Yes, in case you are wondering I teach my children right from wrong, good from bad, and that there are consequences to their actions and decisions, it’s just not based on religion.

Went a little off topic there with the topic of religion.  It was great listening to her.  She eventually fell asleep with her little arm wrapped around my neck.  I slipped out of her room, and here I am!  Doing a bit of writing before bed.  Until tomorrow.  Good night everyone.  🙂