This is difficult for me to write about, because I am a very closed off person, but I feel like maybe I will feel better today if I do. I also believe that while I am on a journey to better myself, and learn more about who I am, and how to improve myself, I have to be totally honest. I am struggling today. I am not having the best day. I am feeling pretty low, sluggish, and completely unmotivated to do anything. All I want to do is sleep, but I can’t, because I have to be at work.
I am caught up at work, and so I decided that I would make a to-do list and try and get some writing done. I have so many ideas, and so much I want to write about. The problem is pushing myself when I have no energy to get these things accomplished. I have depression, anxiety, and PTSD. I am not currently actively getting any counseling and I am not on any medication for this. It’s an ongoing battle that I am having in my mind with myself.
Sometimes, I just want to slap myself and say: “Kelly! Get it together! You are normally such an active person, you have so many wonderful ideas and projects you want to do, why can’t you just do them? Why do you start so many things and not finish them? Damn it woman, what is holding you back?” The truth is, I never fully understood what was holding me back, until recently I discovered something about myself that I always feared.
I have always understood my own problems, my depression and my anxiety. I have always sort of just coped with them, I tried anti depressants, but went off of them. I seem to really suck at this thing in my life called consistency.
Let me back this up a little with some history, my mom has bipolar disorder, and was diagnosed at twenty seven years old. I never really understood what bipolar disorder was, I assumed it meant that you just rapidly cycled from happy, to pissed off, to crying all at once. I had no idea that there were different types of bipolar disorder, and along with those different types, came very different symptoms.
About a week ago I had a shocking revelation. I have racing thoughts constantly. My mind feels like it’s running at about a million miles per minute and never slows down. Knowing this about myself, I start to go online and do research. At first, I assumed that this trait was just a part of my personality, and it very well might be just that, however my curiosity got the best of me and I decided to take an online quiz at psychcentral.com. I took two different quizzes, for bipolar disorder. Now, I realize, that taking an online quiz isn’t exactly a formal diagnosis, but a lot of the questions I was answering, were describing me and my behavior. Which could definitely explain why I have bursts of energy and creativity, also feel very happy and elated for about a week or more at a time, but then will feel equally depressed the following week. I am unsure if I have bipolar disorder, but I am going to be going to see a doctor to be formally evaluated and seek help.
I have always been able to hold down a job, the problem is how I feel. I always assumed when I felt depressed it was just my depression kicking in. I thought that my depression was just a part of my life that would always come and go. Without my depression, I am usually upbeat, and positive.
I am afraid of what the doctor will say, and I am afraid to be diagnosed, if I am being completely honest. I feel like I already have a lot going on mentally that I am learning to cope with… but at the same time I know I shouldn’t be afraid because I know that if I do have bipolar disorder, I need to seek help. I don’t lash out at family or friends, but I have a real problem with constant racing thoughts, very high moments, and very low moments. I honestly don’t know how I will want to proceed. A part of me doesn’t want to take medication, because I am afraid of the side effects, but another part of me wants to give it a shot in hopes that I could live a more productive life. I am so lost. But I think the first step is to see a professional to figure out what is really going on, before making any assumptions.
Today I felt was a really low day. If I am being honest about it… I have felt pretty numb and not really present. I felt… like I just sat there and wasted most of the day today. I hate wasting time, wasting time makes me feel really shitty. I have notebooks that have so many ideas written out for YouTube videos I want to make, and things I want to research and write about. I also started writing a book, which is pretty exciting. But, instead of working on any of those things, I really didn’t use my time wisely. I can’t beat myself up over this, because tomorrow is a new day, and I will hopefully have the opportunity to use my time more valuable tomorrow. We are never promised tomorrow. I have to remember that.
For once, I just want to be productive. I want to put my thoughts into action. I want to finish something that I start, and do the things I love doing. I have so many ideas. So many things I want to do. It seems my interest starts out passionate, but then completely dies down to no interest at all… and apathy. Which is why I feel really good about being more inconsistent with my posts on here. I hope to keep this up. It’s hard getting so personal, but in a way it’s therapeutic for me. I hope that maybe in me being honest, I can learn more about myself, and can maybe help others as well.
The only thing that leveled me out and brought me back into feeling okay again was coming home from work, and seeing my kids.
My husband and I kind of… got into it. I don’t know. There wasn’t an argument but I feel something there. I feel like something is wrong. I don’t know what it is, and I don’t want to make any assumptions, but something feels off. And that is really bothering me. However, I have been reminding myself that whatever it is, I can and should only worry about what I can control, not the things that I cannot. I can’t control his feelings toward me, I can only be myself and make good choices. I tried talking to him about whatever it is, but he doesn’t want to talk about it. I can’t force him to talk if he doesn’t want to… I just have to let it go. Which is hard. I don’t make myself vulnerable to people because of the ‘history’ that I have had with my family. I don’t come from a very stable background, and because of this it has led me to lead a lonely sort of closed off existence. I don’t have much of a support structure other than close friends. Which, I am incredibly happy and thankful for. It just makes it hard when I do finally open myself up and make myself vulnerable (to my husband), I feel as though maybe I shouldn’t. That maybe it’s impossible to count on anyone. Which is a really sad way to live your life. I think that as decent human beings we should be able to support and care for each other. Whether it’s in an intimate relationship, friendship, or even acquaintance. I guess I just always wanted to have a stable home, a normal, boring, happy family that I never had, I wanted to give to my children. I do my best to raise them in a healthy, loving environment.
Anyway, onto my children. I did a lot of cleaning up, so didn’t get to spend as much quality time with them as I wanted, but I did get to do journal entries with them. I really hope that they can look back at their journals one day with fond and happy memories. If there is one thing in this lifetime that I want to do right, it’s being a mother. I am not perfect, but I always, always want my children to know that they are loved. They mean the world to me… and if it weren’t for them, I don’t think I would have the will to make it most days. 🙂 I live for them. I could have the worst day in the world, and they easily turn it around for me. I don’t want them to ever feel abandoned by me, or that I don’t support them. I want them to have that strong support structure at home that I lacked.
My friends, and my children. Today, even though it wasn’t one of my best days, I can still say that I am incredibly thankful for my wonderful friends, and my two children. I can end today on a positive note because of that… and because I am alive. I have a lot to appreciate. Life can be difficult at times, but it is still wonderful. Good night.