February 21, 2017: Finding Balance

Today has been a very, very relaxing and enlightening day.  I woke up, and read for a bit.  I actually did my very first Tarot reading on myself.  If you are reading this, and are bothered by my spiritual path, I am sorry, but not really.  This is my path and if it’s something you disagree with it’s okay, I respect individuals and their right to practice their spirituality or religious beliefs as they see fit, as long as they are not harming anyone, and aren’t trying to put their beliefs into law.  This is something I have never done before, or ever thought of doing, because of my upbringing, I was told that dabbling into tarot cards was demonic, same with reading your horoscope.  Which is why I am really hesitant to write about it because I don’t want to cause any controversy, or for people to view me as some type of evil person.  Clearly, I am not, but because I know that this can be misconstrued, I am hesitant to share it.  But since this is my journal, and I want to document my journey, I want to be honest about it.  If my honesty bothers anyone, or me just being me, oh well.  I am comfortable enough in who I am in my weirdness that I am willing to be open about it.  No, I do not practice the religion Wicca.  I am simply on a spiritual path to enlightenment, I don’t identify with any one religion.  I am reading and researching philosophy.  I am trying to be the best version of myself that I can be, and trying to spiritually connect.  I was an atheist, now, I am not sure what I believe.  I definitely believe that there is a consciousness that connects us all on some level, in the universe.  For now, I don’t feel the need to label myself as a member of any particular religion or belief system.  This may change over time, but for now, I am who I am, and where I am.

Anyway, I was shocked at how accurate the reading was.  I found that it gave a lot of insight as to what I am struggling with in life:  balance.  This is something I have been thinking about A LOT lately, before I did this reading.  My mind is often flooded with so many thoughts, ideas, and plans that I don’t know where to begin.  Whether it be with my goals, my housework, work, writing, what I want to do for the day, I feel bombarded and overwhelmed with so much going on in my mind that I find it really difficult to focus on one particular thing.  Which is why writing has been helping me a lot lately because it seems to be the only way that I can focus my thoughts, or at least attempt to focus on one thought at a time.  Today I was reminded that balance is something I need to strive for and work toward.  Hence, why I am up so late at night finishing this post instead of sleeping.  I would normally just keep putting this off until ‘tomorrow’ and it would never get done.  I have been putting this blog off until tomorrow, and haven’t posted on here in a year.  So I am done doing that.  I am going to try and set small goals for myself and follow a to-do list each day.  I know it won’t always work out, but I can at least have a few things that I mandate myself to do.  Speaking of which, I think I found my mantra:  “You’ve never lived this day before, and you never will again.  Make the most of it!”  This is going to be the phrase I return to each day when I am feeling down, depressed, or blah.  This is going to be how I live each day.  I am going to do my best to approach everyday with this attitude and see how it changes me.  We will see, I have a great feeling and am hoping for the best.  🙂

After this, I of course woke the kids up, made breakfast, the usual morning routine for when I am on vacation from work.  I must say this feel damn good.  I am really enjoying every moment that I am having off.  I really needed to distance myself from the people from my job, and my job for a while.  I desperately needed this break of solitude to gather myself and figure things out.  I kind of like my job, but in all honesty, it’s not what I want to be doing for the rest of my life.  I want do what it is that I love for a living.  I spend so much of my day commuting to and from work and working that it literally makes me want to vomit.  Honestly, I hate money.  I feel like money has no value, it is just something that we give value to ‘keep society running/functioning’.  Money is bullshit.  In my opinion there is enough resources in the world for everyone to have enough.  People shouldn’t be ‘working to make money’.  People should be working certain jobs because it is needed to benefit the community or society as a whole.  Unfortunately we don’t live in a perfect world, and of course not everyone has this mindset. I realize that this idea is flawed, but I am starting to free myself from the notion of money.  Money does not equal happiness.  Money does not equal life, money does not equal anything, the only reason why it means anything is because we deem it so!  I refuse to spend more time worrying about money than what I have to.  Money shouldn’t dictate a person’s right to live a happy, healthy productive life…. ahhh I could go on and on, but I won’t, this could be a completely separate post in and of itself.   My point is that I am happy to be spending this time home, alone (well, with my kids), to prioritize things.  If I could choose any job, it would be writing, because it’s what I love doing.  I could get lost and do it for hours on end.  I am hoping to start up my YouTube channel soon.  This is another goal of mine… something I keep saying I will do, but I don’t.

This is another issue that I am having:  putting my thoughts and ideas into action.  Now that I recognize that this is a problem, I can focus on it and do my best to overcome it, this is where my journaling daily and to-do lists will come in handy.  🙂

My dear friend Ashley stopped by for a visit today, and we talked.  She was pleasantly surprised that I had no drama to report.  This is another post for another day.  I’ll get to it, I promise!  I hate to admit it, but yes, I was that friend.  You know, that one who always has drama occurring in their lives either daily, or every other day, week, etc.  It’s embarrassing, but yes, that was me.  Many, many problems, that were all caused by yours truly.  Again, it’s something I will talk about later.  No I am not perfect and yes, it’s embarrassing looking back at myself, but hey, it’s called personal growth.  We learn from our mistakes and we move forward.

After she left is when the best part of the day happened.  The kids and I went for a nature walk!  Finally!  We were in desperate need of the fresh air.  It was so refreshing for all of us.  Now, here is where it gets funny.  We are walking along, and my son tells me that he needs to use the bathroom.  We quickly make our way to restroom, which is a good quarter of a mile away from the playground.  I opened the door, and holy crap.  This bathroom was disgusting.  I mean gag worthy.  There was pee on the seat, not a few droplets, but huge puddles on the seat.  I most certainly was not about to clean that up!  Sooooo I thought on my feet, and told Juanito to hold on that we were going to play a game.  I pulled down his pants and I lifted him into the hair and he was facing down toward the toilet.  It was like we were playing airplane, but I am hovering a 42 lb child over the toilet.  He grabbed the accessibility bar on the side to help me so that I wasn’t holding all of his weight.  Note that he is too short to stand and pee in the toilet.  At this point I say:  “Okay son, are you ready?”  He says:  “Ready mommy!”  I said “Okay honey, go ahead and start peeing.”  So, he does, and I am holding him up aiming his pee into the toilet.  At this point all I can do is crack up laughing, he and my daughter do the same.  I said aloud:  “Well, I have never done this before in my life.  I guess this is the first time I have ever played the potty game.”  We did it.  It was a success, we managed not to spill any pee out of the toilet.  Needless to say we left in a hurry and washed our hands very thoroughly after leaving that restroom!  This was definitely the highlight of my day today.

When we got home I made dinner, and we rested some more.  When my husband got home he ate dinner (the kids and I had already eaten), and we all got ready for bed.  Granted tonight I had to separate the kids because they kept getting out of bed and interrupting me while I was writing to tattle on each other.  Cute the first few times, annoying after multiple times.  Well, I am now off to bed, ready and excited to start another wonderful day tomorrow.

 

Author: Kelly Christine

My name is Kelly Flores, obviously. Former Soldier, currently working for the government and pursuing my creative hobbies. This blog is a variety blog, with the no particular primary focus yet, so I hope those who read it will take as much pleasure in reading it as I have taken in writing it. I am a recovering coffee addict, so the blog is titled appropriately. ;)

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