A lot has happened in the last few days. I have been meaning to journal, but have been incredibly busy. I went to Michael’s and got plaster of paris to make some molded handprints for the kids as keepsakes. I also go paints for them to paint the finished product. They really enjoyed this project, and it was a ton of fun to do with them. I had them mold their hand prints, but they couldn’t do the painting until the following day.
The next day we went to Ross to get some décor to brighten up the apartment (thanks Holly!). My best friend suggested I go there. It was the best decision I have made in a long time. I have come to realize that I am very affected by my surroundings. When I feel at peace and harmony with my surroundings, my entire mood changes for the better. I feel much more relaxed and serene. I was completely unsure of what I was looking for when I went into the store, I had no idea what I was looking for, but I was very drawn to more floral, bright, and nature related pieces of art, which were all scattered around the store and not very easy to find. It all tied together to a bright nature-esque theme. One thing that I have come to realize about myself is how much I love and adore nature. When I go on a hike in the forest, when I go to the ocean, or look at a sunset/sunrise, I feel connected. I feel connected to the earth in a very spiritual way, it almost feels magical. Yes, I know I sound incredibly cheesy right now, but it’s the truth. Bringing a little big of nature into my home, just pictures of bright flowers, a colorful stag, and a colorful photo of scenic mountain range overlooking a body of water on a sunny day, has really uplifted my mood. I needed to have more of nature around me in my home to feel more at peace. I can’t wait to add more art to my apartment, and make it feel like a home.
For the longest time, I have always longed and wanted for more… so much so that I wasn’t able to appreciate what I had in front of me this whole time. I didn’t put that much effort into my home because while I always wanted it to be tidy, I never really decorated it the way I wanted. Why? I don’t really know, but I can theorize that it may be because I thought I would just pick up and move. I have moved quite a bit, each year when the rent would increase, we would find a different apartment. I think I had always planned on buying a house, so much so that I didn’t make my apartment into my actual home. I see how wrong I was, and how that was effecting my mood in a negative way. I am looking forward to adding more to our home, and making our apartment just that, our home.
I am learning that happiness isn’t a destination, it’s about living in the moment, and appreciating that moment for whatever it is. If it’s you working, spending time with the people you love, laughing so hard you are about to cry, or just being sad…. I am learning to appreciate each moment in my life for what it is. I am learning to give up constantly chasing, wanting, desiring. It’s not a bad thing to want more, but if it clouds you from appreciating what you have, it can be unhealthy. I have always been an overachiever. I have always been the person who wants to win, do the best, get an A, etc. I was always chasing an achievement. Achievements brought me happiness, fulfillment. If I wasn’t achieving anything, my life felt meaningless and empty. Now I have come to realize that life really is more about the journey and less about the destination. After all, our final destination is all the same, death. Life is our journey, so it’s important to take time to slow down and enjoy it. I am learning to follow my dreams and goals without getting so caught up in the end result.
Sunday I woke up and found that I started to loose my pregnancy. I am sad, I cried. This is something I have gone through before. I don’t want to go into too much detail about that. I went to work Monday, and honestly I shouldn’t have gone. I felt that I had to go because I had just taken a week off, and didn’t want to get further behind on my work. I also didn’t want to get into any trouble. My day went pretty well, it was busy. A problem I have been having at my job is that because I am a younger employee, I am not taken very seriously, and a few of my other co workers think that I am some kind of noob. I was in the army for eight years… and worked for the department of defense as a civilian for seven of those years. I am not new to office politics. I try not to let it bother me, but I finally had to stand up for myself. I am glad I did, and I can tell they were shocked that I did. I think they expected me to just allow them to run all over me. They clearly don’t know me very well. 😀
I think sometimes people get caught up power trips that they forget that they are human. I have always had this… thing with authority. Just because someone is an ‘authority figure’ doesn’t make them any better, or smarter than I am. I think this bothers some people who are in certain positions. Ahhh well. I don’t care about a person’s title… they are just as human and imperfect as I am. Titles are bullshit and don’t mean a lot to me. They are man made words to make people feel more important than they really are. Yes, there are people who have worked hard to earn their titles and I understand that, but it doesn’t mean they are worthy of more respect than anyone else. Enough of that rant!
At work I have a co-worker who I have become pretty close with. It’s interesting how after I started examining myself, I have started to notice certain traits in others that I didn’t really notice or pay attention to before. I noticed that she has a tendency to care only about her own problems and not anyone else’s. I listen to what she is going through and I empathize and try and offer solutions. However, when I have something going on, the conversation always gets directed back to her problems. She is a good person, just selfish in the sense that it’s all about her and her problems…. I will be there for her but keep her at a distance for now. She is a victim of her own circumstances. I am no longer that person, so I am trying my best to keep any negativity out of my life. There is a reason why I have such a small circle of friends, and I prefer to keep it that way.
That’s all for this entry. Until next time.